Look, I'm trying to blog here??

Sigh. I am SO DARN MOODY THESE DAYS. 

Damn, who knows why. 

I solved Rubik's cube. 

I completed watching vampire knight (which had like, what? 13 episodes? FEED ME MORE)

Got addicted to romance-slash-tragic animes.. 

Continued with Vampire knight guilty which is not fully out.

I keep going to that website, checking for new episodes.. Since it just aired in japan, it hasn't even finished airing, I have to wait for 1 whole week for 1 episode.

Trying to pick up something else to do.. I started reading a book.

Keeping Faith... Very touching and addictive, but quite boring when they touch catholicism and judaism. Skipped the serious talking =)

Trying to find another anime to watch.. those ard 24 - 36 episodes.. 

Romance and comedy... Tragic love story.. feed me with animes and I'll lock myself in. 

I know, I'm desperate to poke my nose into virtual love stories.. especially animes, cuz just fantasizing about the perfect looks and the perfect kakhoi-ness is more than enough ^^

And the way the shows make me laugh and cry and gush and awe over it..

(cuz all the animes that I watch involves 1 girl and a few guys; if u get what i mean)

But the girls are always stupid in animes.. i mean the main char larh.. cute mar ><

Virtual stuff is so far better than reality. Reality sucks and I know it.

Darn straight. 

Wow.. din update for so long jors..

dono wat happened to feli n yang de blog.. cnt find jor f3

anyway.. kinda gloomy these few days.. dam ni mood do anything..

dono larh y

bt den hor

anson hor

he say hor

whole company hor

the whole company says im not a loyal person f3 

k to those ppl, ure probably right but stick ur nose to somebody else's business -.-

Emo alert. 

I dont know why im doing this. If you're in a foul mood please click the x at the top right hand corner of your screen.

I guess I shouldn't be emo-ing... most of y'all would probably think im doing this cuz I want attention.

Y'know what- maybe you're right. 

I should've just... I hate myself. 

Desperado, eh? I feel like a film star creating stupid rumours about herself for publicity. 

Desperate for attention. Pretense of not caring.

I'm not sad. I'm not happy.

I feel like crying. I don't wanna cry.

I want them to know that I'm fragile too.

I don't want them to say I'm weak.

I hate it when they insult me.

I like it when they actually notice me.

I hate it when they treat me as a guy.

I like the feeling of having so many friends.

So many, yet so few. 

I should be happy. I don't have relationship problems like the others.

I should appreciate my life. I can't emo like everyone else.

I should think about other stuff. I need more distractions.

I should feel proud because my parents think so highly of me.

I should do everything they want me to, and not do everything they don't.

I should listen to their advice, if I'm wrong, I have no one to blame but myself.

I should achieve to their expectations. I have no one to blame but myself. 

Scold me. Yell at me. Whack me. Do whatever you want. 

I disappointed them. 

Like what HE said, I'm useless.

I'm a bad person. I can't even take care of my sister.

I should not hate him. The truth always hurt.

But it didn't hurt me this bad before.

I am selfish.                                 I am dumb.                                              I am easily influenced.

I am emotional.       I am... SO NOT FINE. 

But then again, I have no one to blame but myself. 

Forget what I said. It doesn't matter. I don't really open the cbox now. 

What a chicken. Coward. I would have spit those words to myself earlier. 

I didn't dare. Living in the fear of disappointing people. 

I feel like a saint. I'm lying. I'm not a good person. 

HE would probably know. 

Don't ask me ANYTHING about this post.

I knew it was a right move to go to school on friday. =D

Hema brought this magazine.. A career magazine, for the people with creativity as their middle name. Okay, not for me -.- bout that was for visual and spatial art... I'm more interested in the other part of arts.. It needs high communication and linguistic skills, i guess i'm okay with that.

Mass Communication includes journalism, advertisment, broadcasting and public relations.

Journalism is, as all of you know, to inform, entertain, persuade and change people's attitudes and actions. Clearly, journalism is all about influencing people through your writing (which would be published in both print and electronic media). Broadcasting is almost the same as journalism, but broadcasting is presented in speech instead of writing. Or in this era's case, typing. xD

Public Relations. they're in charg of brochures, press releases, major events, EXHIBITIONS... which is really what i enjoy doing. I may not have the skills for that, but.... who cares? I'm gonna learn it anyway =p

Advertising is nice for me too.. Y'see, not those electronic advertising, because I'm not that creative. What I'm into is more of posters, newspaper and magazine ads, advertising campaingnsm et cetera. 

And it is as though I was destined to all of the above, they all fall under mass communication!! So mass comm here i come!! =)

Wrote another script today. Empty.

This story is inspired by one of Gurvina's many Hindi movies that was always ironic. Surely I had been copying, but I didn't like this story so much. Maybe I had little inspiration, or perhaps I was just not good enough to come up with some excitement in the story. I was supposed to be reading Biology today. My aunts came over for dinner and she asked me how was my application for the scholarship going on. I wanted to tell her that there are many more other people smarter than me, and I don't think I wanna study anyway. I wanted to write. My dad has been asking me to take Business and Marketing, a subject I detest with an outcome I desire. I spent my whole afternoon sleeping and writing a few more silly short stories and the script. I told Briggs and the rest that I will be done with it by tomorrow. Yes, I will hand it in to Pn. K and see what she does with it. 

I have been wondering for a long time now, I don't know what my career should be. I wanted to write since I was young, journalism was one of my dreams. But then again, do I have what it takes? I love writing, but that doesn't mean I'm good at it. That is why I should learn from other more experienced people. Pn. K suggested writing in to The Straits Times and see what happens. Maybe I should send in some of my older pieces to them, and we'll just see what happens. If I turn out to be a famous writer somehow, I'd like that =). 

Unfortunately these things won't come true unless I fully rely on God. Once I made up my mind to go with journalism, I abruptly stopped studying. The subjects I like the most- Bio and Chem holds no interest for me now. This is the time where I change my mind and go to a totally new direction. This is where the question arises. What if it doesn't work out? Shouldn't I just take writing as a hobby? I hope I could, but I couldn't resist writing and letting my imagination run free once I turn on the computer. I started dreaming weird things, great things to write in books, but I had no idea how to start. I end up staring at a blank Word Document the whole afternoon, attempting to start something that would not work out. Again, like today, I wasted 6 precious hours of my life, the time I could spend on studying Bio. I begin to get fearful, because if I have no interest in studying- what's going to happen? I don't know, for real. Thank God tomorrow is the last paper, I don't have to worry about it anymore. I used to look forward to the holidays to watch the korean series and the animes I have been dying to watch. I wanted to try gaming, too. But then when I started writing again, i.e Tribute To Her dedicated to the principal, I realised that nothing is better than sitting in front of the pc writing stuff and reading a good book in the afternoons. Call me a dumb nerd, I am what I am. I can't wait for tomorrow, really. I can't wait for Bio to finish, and I am not thrilled of my results. Surely I would slip, I don't know how disappointed my father will get. i never told him I wanted to write for a living. Maybe results day might just be the perfect timing to reveal it. Maybe then, something will happen. By the way, my sweet 16 is coming up, but my sis has been crying and ranting about how she should celebrate hers. I might have to cancel my sweet sixteen ='( zi was kind of looking forward to an excellent party, followed by a slumber party right after. Too bad it may not work out. Sweet sixteens are meant to be special, but maybe I will wait 2 more years and make it my elegant eighteen or something. I'm not even allowed to buy cake for my sweet sixteen -.- 

But I'm bored of cakes anyway. I don't really look forward to my birthday now, I'm actually looking forward to the 27th. Twilight!! 

I just came back from my aunt's house and somehow something made me open my blog. I went straight to the cbox, hesitating for a while before started reading it. I hate confrontations. Anyway, I really felt touched by what all of you said. Thanks, and I really agree with Felicia.. Blogging really did make me feel better. The last post was posted before I went to church, and my dad was shouting at me because I was not yet prepared. I felt really upset in the morning, but very very much better now. Thanks to all that were concerned, I really appreciate it. Love you guys (and girl) so much. Anyways, when I arrived church I was, as usual, greeted with enthusiastic friends I meet every Sunday. They can be considered as my childhood friends, we've been to plenty of camps together... Felt slightly better when I saw them, partly because I wanted to get away from my dad as soon as possible. He was complaining in the car about silly stuff... Something about me being delusional and always daydreaming. Is daydreaming illegal now? Sheesh. So I entered the worship hall and prayed, as usual. When I was praying I tried hard not to think of other stuff, and prayed really hard for God to comfort me. God obviously answered my prayer because the hymns were really comforting. I forgot what they were called, all I know is that it really comforted me.. The sermon helped me a teeny bit, actually. But the hymns and the responsive readings were what comforted me most. I forgot how the church really can comfort me. I felt happy when we left church to my aunt's house. My cousin came back from Labuan, so we went biking together.. Watched journey to the center of the earth in his really awesome home theatre. Literally. Kinda enjoyed myself. Especially with the food, because my dad and aunt are really good cooks. All in all, I felt that life has more meaning than to just emo like that. I should have realised that a long time ago. I haven't felt that inner peace in a long time already.

Im writing again.. Careful people.

I feel useless.. Really really useless. We had the jamuan pengawas yesterday, and I woke up at 7 to get prepared. I polished my belt and packed the stuff to bring there. Got dressed, a brown top and a foolishly flairy and puffy long yellow skirt. Went down to wait for ginny, felicia and hema. They will get dressed here, all looking pretty and amazing =) I feel lucky to have friends like them. If only I was like them. Sigh. I should have not posted this anyway. So we went off on Vanessa's car to school.. We appeared to be quite early, I guess. Snapped some pictures, I always feel good with them around =).. We had to check the list and sign at pour names when we have to get up on the bus. Checked and checked, my name wasn't there. As usual, the bad things will happen to me -.- Ginny had the same case but she was all so snazzy about it. She could just so easily not care about stuff. I wish I could do the same. I felt pretty upset because I paid before the deadline. Though I did not want to admit at the time, but it is so obvious that my carelessness was the culprit of this mess. I didn't submit the consent form because I was lazy to ask my dad to sign it. Besides the fact that I looked hideous in that stupid outfit, I was an outcast. That's two in a blow. It all sorted out in the end, thanks to ginny and her mogok =p.. Then it was eating time after the speeches from VIPs. I didn't really feel like eating because I don't want to walk around taking trays of food and lining up... Feels like some prisoners, only staying in some high classed jail. I feel useless because I can't even stay happy at this nice event. Khaiyoong always seems to realise that I'm not happy. I'm not sad, just not happy. I had to keep a smile pasted on my face the whole time to make sure I don't spoil the day. Sigh. But then again, I shouldn't have blogged this anyway. It hurts my friends more. After that it was BB time. We attended bible class late.. I sat next to joshua.. He's really a nice guy, I feel relieved because it was a genuine smile when I see him. He just seemed like the closest stranger I have met. He did not know what happens in my life, and he thinks that I'm his ever-happy jie. I'd like that =) I like people to think that I'm happy like, all the time. I was getting used to distractions now, just to avoid breaking down for some really really silly things. But sometimes I couldn't stand it and it is getting harder and harder now. Wish I knew why, but nothing would work in my brains right now. I feel useless. Why is it that nobody is tired but I feel like I just carried a few huge rocks up Mount Everest? I felt really really tired, especially after drill and physical training. It's been some time since we last properly drilled, but that's no excuse to forget how to do stuff, right? I totally forgot some steps. It's pretty embarassing because I shouldn't be making mistakes, right? Anyway, after that I had to get the consent forms prepared. Chasing the squad leaders around, asking for names and more names. More tired than a usual Saturday, though I don't know why. Really felt like crying becauseI'm so darn useless. But I can't bear to get attention now, I need a distraction. I went around giving out the forms that were supposed to be given out next week. Sir looked concerned again. Whenever I see his concerned look, I felt like crying even more. Again, a distraction. I asked my sister questions, tried to talk and chat with some people. Jes' party is tonight, but i honestly didn't feel like entertaining and smiling that night. I need more distractions. I talked to my family, didn't trun on the PC, just in case it might burn more holes in me. Sigh. But then again, I should have not blogged this anyway. Useless people do this.