Tuning into : You Found Me - The Fray

C.O.W. : Confessions of a (not broken) scarred heart.

5 Alfa drama today! xD

*so the drama*

So the conclusion is; a pointless drama.

Takes one word to bring one down, takes one word to make one's day.

Thanks, to those that texted me in the morning, noon, and night-

asking me if I'm alright, just caring about me. =)

Love y'all to bits x)

..and to certain selfish humans, I have feelings too.

Respect it please =)

Don't take my A.D.D. for granted because it gets on my nerves.

A nice "sorry" would have made my life easier. =)

Certain times I would have just made a scene and start yelling, crying and telling how much burden I'm carrying, telling the world about my now shattering life- but I chose not to, because life is hard- but complaining does not make anything easier.

Certain times I really wanted to break down, be irresponsible and get sick. But I don't want their pity, I just want their heart and sincerity. It seems really fake, and YES, I am a hypocrite. The way I act around people was never how I felt. YES, I used to cover it up and just paste that smiling face, laughing as loud and as hard as I could- it feels different. But sometimes, when you act like someone else too much, that someone else might actually end up to be you. Which, in this case didn't sound bad at all- being that "happy-go-lucky-everybody-loves-me" girl. People tend to treat you that way when they start to know you too well. As more time passes, they think that she doesn't care and they stopped caring about her feelings. I should have continued doing this, then everybody would have thought I was strong, independant and tough. But I'm too bloody upset to care anymore.

And yeah, I don't care about the feelings of others either, right?

You wanna just say,

"HEY WHY DON'T YOU JUST LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND TELL YOURSELF THAT?"

or,

"I dare you to say that you never did that to anyone else before!"

or,

"Hey I'm kidding- what are you, ruining my name because of one bloody joke? you call yourself a friend?"

or,

"Dude. Chillax- my life is worse, so you better get contented."

WHATEVER. Call me mentally deranged, desperate, depressed, pitiful-

I don't bloody care.

True, true.. hard to believe that these words are coming out now.

IAMHARDCOREBABYYHHH!

Till then,

no use apologising because words can never describe how you made me feel.

Thank you for showing me how you can make someone hate another,

or think badly of another-

by a single sentence.

Yep, you're a great friend, and I really will remember you.

Funny how normal friends can get me so happy.

Funny how my best- really best friends stood by me through all the other hard times; and I hadn't appreciated them enough. They're the people that I hug and smile just as I see them. We might argue, but we'd never stand being mad at each other for more than a day. =)

Funny how certain "true" friends can get me so upset.

I guess you can't really predict what happens next.

I can just wait happily for SPM to be over with.

Free mushrooms in the corner of my room!

Let me introduce you to my newest mantera =)

I hate chocolate ice-cream, tempt me not for I hate thee, O chocolate ice cream.

Repeat and you will find yourself straying away from the devils of gluttony, the temporal happiness, and the soon to be depressing agent. xD

I wanna eat it so badly T.T

Just finished watching Sweeny Todd.

..I'm never gonna cut my hair again. EVER!

I felt like puking the whole time through the show.

ugh.

Tim Burton has a very... unique type of imagination.

..and he sees the world as a cruel place.

THIS SHOW FREAKS PEOPLE OUT MAN!

Btw, it's setting is something like Corpse Bride.

Tim Burton rox =x

Tuning into : Vincent - Don McLean

C.O.W. : THE PRINCE AND ME xD

I just finished that show, The Prince and Me.. with a hot prince =x

He's FRENCH xD

and he's POETIC xD

and he's a PRINCE.

...but the girl rejected him =x

It's not funny, just plain romantic XD

So, today water games.. Congrats to the P.I.Cs ^^

I hereby announce the stupiakest GM ever =x

CHUA HAN JON!! Noob dao throw water oso tak tau >< =x

Hahas xD

Ah well. That's it I guess.

Next up : Picture this, starring Ashley Tisdale 0.o

It's sad but it's true, how society says her life is already over.

There's nothing to do, and there's nothing to say-

Til the man of her dreams comes along, picks her up, and puts her over his shoulder.

It seems so unlikely in this time and age.

Tuning into : 22 - Lily Allen

C.O.W. : SLEEP

and NO, I am not emotionally unstable, nor am I stressed. I am not having problems, and I OBVIOUSLY do not have sleeping difficulties.

So stop saying that.

TODAY -

I understood why working adults are always so grumpy.

-their jobs are so stressful they just don't have the spirit to smile anymore.

I know why certain singers take drugs.

-it is never easy to cheer people up by spreading positive energy. Sometimes all it takes is a smile, but sometimes a smile is not good enough.

I realised that sometimes the only solution was not to solve, but to discard.

-not all problems can be solved through negotiation; sometimes you just have to get rid of it and move on.

I found out that it's easy to forgive, but hard to forget.

-no matter how much good deeds you did, it only takes one mistake to take it all down.

I learnt that true frinds really exists, and those that walk out on you- aren't.

-whenever you're distressed, your true friend will emerge, despite the chaos happening. They don't walk out at times when you really, really need them.

I realised that things are not always what they seem.

-people may see two people as friends, but when a problem arises, the friends are the first to accuse each other.

I understood what one misunderstanding could cause.

-when the wrong message is sent, it will lead to a more flawed message, and soon it turns into a WHOLE BIG MESS. And nobody wants to do the dirty work; so we leave it as it is, shedding tears along the way.

I learnt why we should broaden our minds and never, never judge according to our assumptions.

-assumptions lead to the wrong judgements, and the wrong judgements brings you to take the wrong actions, and the wrong actions lead to wrong arguments, and another well developed relationship is down the drain.

I found out how trouble can be doubled.

-chaos leads to panic, and panic leads to unstable emotions. Unstable emotions lead to arguments, and arguments bring further chaos.

I realised that the loudest isn't always the most rational.

-say all the vulgarities you want, wipe your anger on everybody else around you- does that make you feel better? No.

I figured you cannot improve by lectures, but by encouragements.

-you can scream your head off, or you can encourage them to be better. Take your pick.

I learnt that the pleasant end of a bad day is the lemonade you get.

-when life throws you lemons- make lemonade. When life throws you problems, turn them into lessons. The learning process heals- if you learn it the right way.

I understood the phrase "there's always a rainbow after the rain."

-despite all the madness going on in school, at the end of the day there's always someone there to offer you some ice cream. =)

-there's always friends you could count on.

-and there's always, always something to be grateful for.

If we had a camera crew that recorded what happened in class today, it would be an award winning show. We had the beginning, the rising action, the climax; two climaxes, to be precise- we had conflict, and we had a resolution.

If I was given a chance to repeat secondary school; without a doubt, I would.

I admire Brigitta.

=)

Truly, I do. She can manage the class drama (which consists of 41 students) so efficiently and she made it fun.

Too bad she's sick and I had to take over; and I have no idea what to do.

around 35 actors.. I need her!! Good thing she's coming tomorrow xD

..and I just realised I don't have a role in this play =(

Lol =x

SO.. today was the EST exhibition.. whenever there's a competition, make sure other competitiors see your model on the last day. Because people will copy your idea and steal your car!!

So after the exhibition we went to Kah Hoe's house!! xD

Me, Angela and Feli wanted ice cream from Kah Hoe marh..

(greedy pigs =p)

He was scared cuz got 3 girls and him. So he asked TK to come along =x

K.. so what were we doing in Kah Hoe's house??!

Eat NEW ZEALAND NATURAL ice cream lorh..

The cookies and cream and the chocolate one my fav xD

So then Teck Kien and Feli had to leave, leaving me, Angela and Kah Hoe.

So we watched Romantic Princess!! xD

He has the DVD weyh 0.o shocking =x

So there was this point where Kah Hoe left me and Angela at his house while he goes outside to buy a drink =.=

I was like, "Angela he left us here in his house weyh.." Lol.

..and there was nobody there.

His house had like, so many medals and awards weyh!!

His whole family plays sports. Chunted giler!

My family leh... sports ah.. ehem ehem.

Well both my parents love volleyball -.-

and my they used to represent the school for volleyball, basketball and soccer.

SHOKINGLY they gave birth to a lazy cow like me.

zzz

I think cows are cool 0.o

I mean, they eat grass. lol xD

Ugly Betty Season 3 ended today.

...sighhhh.

Stupid ending.

Molly died, Marc didn't get promoted, Betty broke up with Matt, Matt becomes the new boss of Mode, and Wilhelmina wants to kill Connor to get back the money he stole.

But the saddest part was Molly dying. It was expected, but nobody wanted it to happen- and when Daniel was giving the speech for the MAMA awards, he saw Molly. But Molly wasn't there, according to Betty.

He rushed to Molly's right after that, to find her body taken out into an ambulance.

It's so shallow to go depressed over a drama, but the ending made me tear. =(

Ah well, in season 5 Daniel and Betty gets together, although that wasn't ending I would have wanted. Molly and Daniel were just so perfect together. *sobs*

I CAN'T WAIT TO SINK MY TEETH INTO SEASON 4!! I'D BUY THE DVD IF I HAVE TO!!

sighh.

Again, trying to find some significance in my life.

Another teacher had a heart-to-heart with me.

This would be the 4th. Sighhhh.

My results were terrible, but I got over it.

Now they keep reminding me about it =.=

Cik Rashidah taught me in Form 3.

And she asked me if I was depressed or stressed out, because she

"dah tak nampak muka happy-go-lucky kamu tu lah, lynn.."

..I didn't know what to tell her. Because I was 100% confused.

Then she said, "kamu tak payah peduli apa orang lain cakap, kamu focus pada SPM kamu tu, boleh?"

She gave the that disappointed-slash-sorry look to me.

Seriously I felt like dying weyh.

And what did she mean by apa orang lain cakap?

bluudy butterflies. The guilt gets worse, and the more the teachers try to care about me,

(or so I thought)

the more I felt obliged to repaying them, the more I feel angry at myself for dissing them.

SOMETHING is definitely wrong with me.

and I need to reload my phone A.S.A.P.

I'm suspecting Traumatic Social Disorder (TSD),

for not texting anybody since 12 days ago,

for appearing offline most of the time,

for ignoring certain posts in facebook,

for sucking at heart-to-hearts.

Dang.

Tuning into : The Fear - Lily Allen

Don't read this, it's boring.

Just wanted to blog it out and feel better.

I wish I could tell the world how I really really felt, deep down.

I wish I could be irresponsible and just not care about what I am doing.

I wish I could use my free time to do what I really like and want.

I wish I could be selfish.

I wish I could tell certain people that I just can't do it.

I wish I could speak up and say "No, I don't want to do you a favour"

I wish I could scold people that disagree with me.

I wish I could not care about everything, and just live.

I wish I could block out all insults and harsh words spat by people.

I wish I could be lazy and not get nagged about it.

I wish I could live without the mask that slowly became a part of me.

I wish I was stronger, spiritually and emotionally.

I wish I was more courageous, to live the way I want to.

I wish I was smarter, because it hurts when other people point it out to you.

I wish I was braver, and really show some idiots how they made me feel.

I wish I was more controlled, then I won't be posting this.

I wish I had 48 hours in a day.

I wish I had vampire powers.

I wish I had some kind of talent.

I wish I had someone to take care of me.

I wish I could stop thinking about how others will react in whatever I do, and be afraid of it.

I wish I could quit.

I wish I could just tell someone that I think living my life is hard enough, I dont have to hear how tough yours has been.

I wish I could be myself-

because the friends that mind wont matter, but the friends that matter won't mind.

But one thing I would never wish for- more love.

Because I have enough from the people around me.

"Be content", I always tell others.

"Be yourself, and love yourself for it."

I thank God for His mercy, that forgives me no matter how big a sin I commited.

I thank God for my family, that never, ever fails me.

I thank God for good friends, good influence, and very, very good sisters and brothers.

I thank God for giving me education.

I thank God for sending the angels to help me through difficult times.

I thank God for the people that care about me.

I thank God for peace in Malaysia.

I thank God for health- mine and my loved ones.

So many requests, so little to thank for. It makes us ponder, what kind of people are we, really?

Why are we never contented?

Just another philosophical-slash-ranting-slash-cheering up moment of mine.

Don't mind me. =)

Whoa nice colours. I wish I could buy them. WOW cute shoes. who is..

*Hey!! What are you doing here?!*

*Honey, I work here. =)*

*wow, that's great! I want a job too!*

riiiinnngggggggggg~!!!!

*FIRE, FIRE FIRE!!*

I woke up with a start. My heart was still beating, and I stole a glance of my wall clock. Oh, it's Monday. 6.30am is way too early to wake up on Mondays. But a schedule is a schedule, and I have to follow it.

OH MY GOSH THEY'RE DEAD! No they're not. It's a play. What has gotten into you, Lynn? What? Oh, right. I thought I was dreaming. ...So how's it going? Well, it takes some getting used to from the new cast- but all's fine. all's fine. I swear that woman hasn't brushed her teeth since I met her. Her breath was revolting. Ugh. My throat is parched- from the fire, I guess. Whoa, coolness, the cup just appeared! A sip, just a teeny sip of drink would do. Wait- why is the cup empty??

IT'S 7.15 ALREADY??! WHAT?!? I thought I woke up at 6.30! What happened!?? Oh I hate myself. I rushed down the bed and swept some books and a magazine into my bag. My keys! Where'd I put my keys?! I piled all my minis together and stuffed it into my pocket. They fell on the floor. Dang, my uniform. Rushing to the bathroom, the so-called utility room and my bedroom, I finally got brushed and dressed. ...and with nothing tornor spilt! Now that is something worth remembering. I can barely recall the dream, but I knew it was weird, and it had a lot of colours. I need bananas for breakfast. Wait- what am I doing, walking around my room? I need something. Oh, right. Breakfast. Stupid panic attack. Adrenaline rush, hardy har har. Oh, there's Brio today- *groans* reproduction. If there was any chapters that can compete with History, it was reproduction. Dang, and my homework. Where'd I put that paper?I have to focus. Breakfast. I looked at the clock. A WHOLE FIVE MINUTES HAS PASSED!! Forget breakfast! Charging to the front door, armed with my keys, I put on my socks and shoes at the fastest time imaginable- and before I knew it, I'm out on the streets. I reached to the back pocket of my bag to reveal my comb, elastic band and the pod. WHAT THE HECK IS THE IPOD DOING IN MY BAG? It's too late to go back. Sigh, another week is here. Everything happens so fast, and if only my brains didn't live in a different time zone, 12 hours away; I wouldn't be late. Jet lag. Maybe my dream took place in Taiwan or something. That would explain that pounding pulse drumming at my temples. Oh, look, school! Judging by the aount of people still walking up the hill, I'm not late! Great, no need to rush; just walk faster. I wish someone I knew would walk around the corner- that would calm my heart from that jimmy jacking- against time. Why isn't ANYBODY climbing up the stairs?! I'm late enough, and now the world is messing with me?

"Girls, 3 lines on my left. Guys, 3 lines on my right"

Dang, I'm late. 6 damn lines of latecomers? Looks like I wasn't the only one who had brain jet lag.

"EXCUSE ME!!" Whoa, sounds like some drama queen. Missy, didn't anyone tell you this is the you're-in-trouble line?

"HEY LYNN!!" Oh. Vanessa. I laughed at myself. How could I have expected somebody else, right?

"Hey! You're late too? Cool!!"

"YEP. Woke up at 7-oh-5. You?"

"7.15.", I flashed a smile. "World breaking record- took 5 minutes to get dressed. I lost a few books on the way, though."

"Typical. Sighhhh WHYYYY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN?!? IT'S MONDAY MORNING!!"

"Yeah, aren't Mondays just the best? Let's make a run for it."

"Mm Hmm."

"So we sneak into class, leave our bags, go to the toilet, then sit at the line upstairs."

"Great! You do it."

"We can actually do that, y'know? Nobody's watching. The prefects are gone, we're at the back of the line...."

"Coast is really clear. Weird. Y'know, this is just like prison break."

"I don't watch that show."

"That guy is hot. Seriously."

"No, he has scars."

"So we running or not??!"

"Too late. They're already entering class."

"Perfect! Now!!"

"Hang on, I can see Hema..!!" I waved at Hema, Pavi and Ginny gave me the it stare.

Vanessa gave me the stare too. "Yep. Should have known better." she says.

"They're like, my favourite people. How can I not wave?"

"Psst, guys!" Okay. Is that weird sound asking for me? I turned. Oh Dead Kittens! It's Uthaya!! She's trying to communicate with us. Why is she whispering? It's so noisy here. She made a gesture for us to follow her. Wow, she's asking us to ESCAPE! I would have done just that, when missyVee had to say,

"take her bag. We can't leave."

WHY NOT?!? Oh. Prefects. I should have waited till 8.30. At that point, I was downright mad at myself. Blaming the dream, blaming the weather, the stupid bus that almost killed me but didn't, all that crap.

Well, at least we're getting this over with. It's just writing your name. No biggie.

"Guys, please proceed to Muhibbah Square. Girls, from three lines, according to your forms."

I was almost relieved when suddenly some of the girls took out their handphones and other gadgets and hid it under a plant. An inspection? Great, I only have three books. I'm toast.

I looked to the front, curious at how an inspection works, because some girls at the fron t were giggling.

"Sorry, girls. But I have to do this." The teacher held out her hands, patted on the pockets of that girl, and took out her wallet. Then she moved upwards and patted her sides. Still normal, I thought. No harm done. Then she was tapping below the girl's 'assets'. I was... dumbfounded. I didn't know how to react. Then suddenly,

the iPod.

"Vanessa, I brought my iPod."

She gasped. "Keep it somewhere. Put it in your pencilcase."

"She's coming already! I can't get her suspicious!!"

She walked to the teacher, got inspected, gave me a sorry look, and was forced to go.

Oh, Kitty. I'm dead. I slipped the iPod to my chest pocket. I wasn't THINKING RIGHT!! The prefect came to inspect my bag, and it took her only less than a minute. The teacher marched to me, and I felt my pinafore shaking. Did I bring my phone, too?? How did all these things GET here anyway?? And why did it have to vibrate now?? I put my right hand into my pocket, only to find the skirt shaking more vigorously. There was no phone. It was my hands that were trambling, shaking the skirt in return. CRAP! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME??! I need to avoid inspection. I need to avoid inspection now!

"Sorry, but I have to do this, okay?"

Do what? What is she doing?? She tapped my pockets, took out my wallet and saw the David Archuleta pictures I slipped in.

"Ini apa ni? Boyfriend kamu ke??" She's talking to me. What, now pictures are illegal?

"YA CIKGU." Damn, did I just say that? Oh Boy Oh Boy Oh Boy.She tapped my keys.

"Keys saya cikgu." That sounded wrong. That sounded like I wanted her to kiss me. NO!!!! I wish I would die. I'm terrified to bits, and I need a plan to escape, before she lays her rough, untreated hands on my assets!! (Okay, that was weird. Guys, ignore this please.) Hey, I skipped breakfast. Maybe if I held my breath longer I might pass out and she can let me go. Or I can just scream some nonsense and start crying. Or push her away and start a lecture about human rights. I'd go with the human rights, it's easier, less time consuming and I already have my introduction planned out.

"Ini apa ni?"

I was so preoccupied with my plans that she already did it! Oh, dang, I hate my jet lagging brains. She looks like she wants an answer. She was grabbing my uniform and was asking what in the world is that small rectangular hard thing in my pocket.

"Saya tak tahu la Cikgu!!"

I snorted. Like she would fall for that. I mean, what stupid answer was that? What- like suddenly I'm Madonna with metal assets? Oh please. She reached into the pocket and took the iPod out. I can bet my face had no color. How do I get away with this? SHe'll confiscate it for sure! Then goodbye singing in the bathroom! Okay I don't do that but I was about to. I considered buying a new one before my dad found out. I considered asking Pavi to get it back for me. I considered civil rights, hit and run, crying, anxiety,- a million things were in my head all too soon. The teacher handed my iPod to another teacher. She used to teach me last year. I hope I handed in enough homeworks for her to let me go. Then again, I didn't do any of her homework. But she still likes me, and the warmth I had everytime I greet her in school. I think.

"Ini apa ni?"

"AAAAASAYA tak tau laa."

"Ini iPod kan?"

"..ya. tapi cikgu, handphone saja tak boleh, kan? kamera dan iPod semua boleh kan?"

She's considering that. Pleasebuyit pleasebuyit pleasebuyit.

"Awak ada dengar dalam kelas tak?"

"Tak ada, cikgu." ...the nerve of some people. Sigh.

"Habis tu mengapa awak bawa?"

"Saya keluar yesterday...pastu hari ini bangun lewat.." I think that was what happened.

"Esok jangan bawa lagi." She handed it back to me. She let me go? Like, for real? No tricks? No scam? Oh, I am BRILL. And no recorded name! Oh I'm FABULOUS. I rushed off to class to tell them what happened.

After the wohle story was laid out, Angela's reaction was-

"WHY YOU LET HER TOUCH? GO TOUCH HERS BACK LA!!"

Now that reaction made me feel like a normal person once again. I am thankful, for not getting caught. I mean, for not getting punished. A few of my friends suggested suing her, and pressing charges, and I'm glad I finally sent in a lawyer letter addressed to her.

NAH, KIDDING X)

I didn't turn on my computer for..

two days.

ACHIEVEMENT!! XDDD

So~ today's my dad's birthday.

Happy Birthday Dad ^^

and I bought him "the thing".. glad he liked it xDD

July is the month where too many birthdays were happening.

I wanted to get Ginny some Stage products, so went Mid Valley today-

and as usual, I got carried away and forgot all about it =.=

Wanted to get someone something, (not mentioning cuz its not tht person's bday yet =.=)

but couldn't find T.T

So ended up only bought for one person so far.

But boy I love spending money =.=

heh. xDD

SOOOOO... I have blisters at my feet for wearing heels to Mid.. again xDD

it's actually good, because it restrains you from walking too much,

thus you will go home earlier. xP

PS:

- I think black lamps are the stupidest invention ever -.-

black is the absence of light. how can you add light to something that only exists without light?

..it would be hideous =.=

- Magazines are a very good source of general knowledge.

*here's why I'm such an annoying 'did you know' box, Hem!! xD*

This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you =)

Besides feeling really bored, a hint of me was feeling creative.

Editing the pictures we took yesterday (a few was posted on facebook),

an idea BLOOMED. =)

I think Ginny and Briggita really has what it takes to be a model.

They have poise, confidence, and most importantly, COURAGE.

take a look ><

Briggita- "you can turn off the sun, but I'm still gonna shine." xDD

And that's Ginny! =)

Okay I'm starting to love myself. Help =.=

"air suam. double suam. dengan straw."

This line made me cry.

of laughter xDD

Brigitta is a natural comedian ^^

I couldn't stop laughing, and it was SO DANG LOUD.

embarassing much =x

So, small gathering at my house tomorrow, all girls are welcome ^^

so Teck Kien can come join us =x

Tomorrow's gonna be fun. =)

I just hope nothing goes wrong.

We're not made in this life to kill time, we're made to live. -Joe Jonas

emo emo emo eM0 EMO EMO EMO EMO EMO.

kidding la xD

Schooling schmooling shucks =,(

I didn't talk to a few people the whole day today. *sobs*

ANYHOOO... Angela brought two containers with two sandwiches.

and recess time she was like,

LyNn this is for you *hands me one container*

I was like, AWWWWW!! XD

Before that, Uthaya fed me her mom's award winning ITALY ^^

dam nice =p As usual, pencuri makanan GINNY ambik setengah of the sandwch and the ITALY 0.o

Damn nice eh ><>

Then tomorrow I'm bringing... IDUNOLARH. see how 1st =p

THEN, skipped Physics to finish Add Math and BM homework.

Like, Ginny and I were sitting in the Chem lab 0.o

Did Add Math during BM, almost got caught weyh xD

Then slept off in Add Math.

I WAS THE FIRST ONE TO HAND IN THE HOMEWORK TODAY XDDD

bangga giler =p