Im writing again.. Careful people.

I feel useless.. Really really useless. We had the jamuan pengawas yesterday, and I woke up at 7 to get prepared. I polished my belt and packed the stuff to bring there. Got dressed, a brown top and a foolishly flairy and puffy long yellow skirt. Went down to wait for ginny, felicia and hema. They will get dressed here, all looking pretty and amazing =) I feel lucky to have friends like them. If only I was like them. Sigh. I should have not posted this anyway. So we went off on Vanessa's car to school.. We appeared to be quite early, I guess. Snapped some pictures, I always feel good with them around =).. We had to check the list and sign at pour names when we have to get up on the bus. Checked and checked, my name wasn't there. As usual, the bad things will happen to me -.- Ginny had the same case but she was all so snazzy about it. She could just so easily not care about stuff. I wish I could do the same. I felt pretty upset because I paid before the deadline. Though I did not want to admit at the time, but it is so obvious that my carelessness was the culprit of this mess. I didn't submit the consent form because I was lazy to ask my dad to sign it. Besides the fact that I looked hideous in that stupid outfit, I was an outcast. That's two in a blow. It all sorted out in the end, thanks to ginny and her mogok =p.. Then it was eating time after the speeches from VIPs. I didn't really feel like eating because I don't want to walk around taking trays of food and lining up... Feels like some prisoners, only staying in some high classed jail. I feel useless because I can't even stay happy at this nice event. Khaiyoong always seems to realise that I'm not happy. I'm not sad, just not happy. I had to keep a smile pasted on my face the whole time to make sure I don't spoil the day. Sigh. But then again, I shouldn't have blogged this anyway. It hurts my friends more. After that it was BB time. We attended bible class late.. I sat next to joshua.. He's really a nice guy, I feel relieved because it was a genuine smile when I see him. He just seemed like the closest stranger I have met. He did not know what happens in my life, and he thinks that I'm his ever-happy jie. I'd like that =) I like people to think that I'm happy like, all the time. I was getting used to distractions now, just to avoid breaking down for some really really silly things. But sometimes I couldn't stand it and it is getting harder and harder now. Wish I knew why, but nothing would work in my brains right now. I feel useless. Why is it that nobody is tired but I feel like I just carried a few huge rocks up Mount Everest? I felt really really tired, especially after drill and physical training. It's been some time since we last properly drilled, but that's no excuse to forget how to do stuff, right? I totally forgot some steps. It's pretty embarassing because I shouldn't be making mistakes, right? Anyway, after that I had to get the consent forms prepared. Chasing the squad leaders around, asking for names and more names. More tired than a usual Saturday, though I don't know why. Really felt like crying becauseI'm so darn useless. But I can't bear to get attention now, I need a distraction. I went around giving out the forms that were supposed to be given out next week. Sir looked concerned again. Whenever I see his concerned look, I felt like crying even more. Again, a distraction. I asked my sister questions, tried to talk and chat with some people. Jes' party is tonight, but i honestly didn't feel like entertaining and smiling that night. I need more distractions. I talked to my family, didn't trun on the PC, just in case it might burn more holes in me. Sigh. But then again, I should have not blogged this anyway. Useless people do this.